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still learning to live without you

you stormed into my dreams last night
we held hands we kissed lovingly

just like so many times before
when we used to hide away, skip class, and giggle into late in the morning

but, one day long ago, selfishly, i pushed you away..

this morning i awoke perturbed by the ghost of our beatiful days together

like a train without a destination
i felt intensely the weight of my remorse and my immense desire to be with you

old memories trickled into my mind
the smell of your hair the softness of your skin
the sweet nothings you would whisper in my ear
that cherubic smile of yours that could slice through a thousand layers of sadness
both the joy and fear that i felt the morning i woke up to realize how much i really loved you and how much you were willing to do for me..
the last time we spent together
watching you leave, fading in the distance
knowing that all i ever really wanted was to chase after you,
that only in your arms would i ever really feel home

i woke up this morning realizing i have never loved anyone so intensely as you
desperately wanting to reach out to you
to hear your voice, about your life, that you are happy..

and it tears me up inside that i can’t
because i know that in doing so i would shatter the fragile peace
that you have worked for so many years to achieve

i in turn would have to admit that i had made a terrible mistake
and in doing so would break other hearts and dole out shattered dreams

but i know i’m lying to myself keeping silent..
i can sense the high price to be paid not doing what truly would feel right
the cosmos always attains its retribution…

so i try to find solace that in my silent suffering and self imposed distance from you
i am somehow preventing the fabric of space time itself from tearing apart

and, yet, Oh! what i would give up to be with you
to see that smile just one more time..

no. its too late, and i’ve suffered not enough..
all i can do is pray to God that you have forgotten me
convince myself this is all just debris in my heart, selfish self unmanaged
and beg for the strength and peace of mind to live without you

you left me unsettled last night, love, haunted
but, what a delight to have you in my arms again!